So You Want to Move to Canada Eh? — Written at the Carleton Place Tim Horton’s

 

Yesterday after the Supreme Court decision on Obamacare hundreds of disgruntled citizens of the United States immediately ran to Twitter to express their personal dissatisfaction. A lot of people exclaimed they were immediately moving to Canada, where life is supposedly grand.

Do they not understand that Canada is a socialist country that has offered free health care to all since 1966? Gay marriage has been legal since July 20, 2005 and that’s really going to set some of those folks off.

Each Canadian citizen pays a small deduction off their pay cheque to help fund the health-care program and Canadians do not mind paying for others, unlike some Americans. Canada is a nation of caring trusting people where, despite the odd cannibals, perverts and public shootings, we all get along in peace.

For Americans that are serious about moving to Canada I have one question.

Can you handle Canada? You tell me!

Here is a typical day in Canada.

Today it was 27 Celsius and with da humidex it was was almost 33. I was sweating like a friggin Newfie so I decided to grab my puck bunny and drive up da line to the local liquour store to buy a twofer, or hell maybe even a two-eight. On the way I stopped at my local Timmy’s and ordered a double double for da gal and a regular for me. Jesus Murphy, didn’t da little woman also want to stop at da guichet at da Caisse Populaire so she would have money to go to da Depanneur on da way home to pick up some bagged Homo Milk, pop and chocolate bars.

 

 

She was starting to make me angry, so in my best jouale french I called her a “maudite tete carre” and told her to move back to Hogtown. I was so mad I was going 70 clicks which is way over da 60 kilometre speed limit and was worried we might get stopped by da OPP. As we drove by da Bayshore Mall she begged me to stop at “Here Before Christ” so she could buy me a new toque and use da washroom at da same time.

 

We somehow bumped into her friend at da food court next to Mr. Sub who was eating a cinnamon beaver tail. As she wiped her face with her serviette, she jokingly referred to me as a a “Jean-Guy Pepper” and then asked about da weather outside.

 

I immediately told her to shut da hell up as she was nothing but a “Snowbird” that got caught by da grocery police this year trying to bring in too many Coronas from da Target  in Watertown when we have them at The Beer Store now.

 

 

I showed her my new runners that I was going to kick her to “kingdom come” with and suddenly da hydro went out. The better half wondered if it was out everywhere and suggested we pick up some poutine at da local chip truck. I was kind of happy as we were only going to have Kraft Dinner anyways with a side of ketchup chips for an evening snack while watching “Hockey Night in Canada”. “Tabernacle” dat Don Cherry is good but I might go for some repeats of “Corner Gas” or “Red Green” later.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ma fille jumped into da car to drive home and as she sped down da Queensway I looked at her and said,

“Give’ er!”

She smiled and simply said,

“Beauty eh?”

 

As we rolled into Harvey’s and Swiss Chalet on Highway 7 I counted out my loonies and toonies and figured I’d treat da little lady as she wasn’t all dat bad. If she was really good she might get some Timbits later. I realized dat might be it for da money, and as I looked at my near empty wallet I said,

 

 

“Brutal!” All I got left is some Canadian Tire Money!”

 

It was now after six and I still hadn’t picked up my pogie cheque or da nice and cold two-four.

 

Calice!

And you want to move to Canada!

Hoser!

 

Happy Canada Day July 1st!!!

This post was inspired from yesterday’s news and written at the local Tim Horton’s– and after translating a transaction for a French woman at the local USPS. She looked at me and said in French,

“You speak French just like Celine Dion!”

Sigh, born a Quebecer always a Quebecer!

All photos by Linda Seccaspina

 

Photos- Under the Umbrella Tree “Jacob” at the PuppetsUp Festival in Almonte, Ontario

             Statue of James Naismith, inventor of Basketball in Almonte, Ontario.

             Poutine at the Garlic Festival in Perth, Ontario.

             1000 Island Bridge in the middle of the St. Lawrence Seaway.