It is Important to Remember your Marriage Vows and in Particular your Commitment to Obey Him — Reader’s Warning

This is an actual extract from a sex education textbook for girls, printed in the early 1960’s in the UK. It was posted by my friend Jackie Cowan and I did the research and it is actually fact.

We have come so far!!

“When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband’s wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all the while being mindful that a man’s satisfaction is more important than a woman’s. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.”

Group Hanky Panky in Perth? NOOOOO!

 

Perth Courier 1888

Mrs. Tufts, inmate of the dwelling in which the late “Yankee Brown” died and Tim Ryan, who assisted to shape and dress the remains say that there is no truth in the report current that the house was made hideous by the alleged orgies and scandalous actions of certain persons in town.

I find it hard to believe there was “group hanky panky” in proper Perth back in those days. For the love of all things human, how people love to talk– and still talk. I don’t think Perth even engaged in the Spring festivals with wild dancing and where sausages played an important part. But, that was the 5th century, and Perth wasn’t really around then was it?

Of course they could have participated in the village Maypole sensual dancing around that phallic symbol. As legend goes, once the frenzied la-de-da dancing was over they “retired” to the fields and open meadows to insure the fertility of the land.  Personally, I believe that some how the terrain of Lanark County would not be comforting to those that “wanted to entertain” for the prosperous yields of the crops.  Of course it must be remembered that the Puritans in jolly old England made Maypoles illegal in 1644.

How would one honestly keep tabs on wind patterns inside such a bawdy house in Perth? It was well known that if Victorians wanted “strapping children” they must ‘begat when the wind is blowing north’. No mention was made about the easterly wind, and really it sounds like Mrs. Tufts was not bothered one iota about the matters of the utmost importance of the human race. It also appears to the novice mind that if ten maidens came out of that house of ill repute in Perth- nine of them came out with child. But, that my friends is just my personal opinion.

It has been recorded that the Victorians loved their sordid literature, and one might think with the quaint bookstores in the town of Perth– there was a market. Well, at least willing to read about the mass orgies, but in reality they lived in squares and thought in triangles, and drew the line at what was reported in the Perth Courier.

As the parody book called:  ‘Instruction and Advice for the Young Bride’ by Ruth Smythers wrote on the “Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God” in 1894:

“Give little, give seldom, and above all, give grudgingly!”

Or in laymen’s terms:

“Just close your eyes and think of England.”

 

 

 

Buy Linda Secaspina’s Books— Flashbacks of Little Miss Flash Cadilac– Tilting the Kilt-Vintage Whispers of Carleton Place and 4 others on Amazon or Amazon Canada or Wisteria at 62 Bridge Street in Carleton Place

How Long Should Sex Last?

A question about sexual longevity in the bedroom was one of the 60 second polls on a Dr. Oz rerun last week. Like Family Feud; a survey was conducted among consenting adults about how much time they spend on optimal “dirty dancing”.

The choices were:

10 minutes
30-60 minutes
1-3 hours

I sat there laughing and was sure 30-60 minutes was the choice “du jour” but I was dead wrong. Apparently 10 minutes of coitus is the popular answer. Their research also seems to insinuate anything past 10 minutes is in the workout range.

According to the media story: “A survey of sex therapists concluded the optimal amount of time for sexual intercourse was 3 to 13 minutes.” I wish someone had told this to the couple that used to live next door to me at one point in my life. Not content with that answer, I continued my research and according to a study called “Canadian and American Sex Therapists’, adequate sex should take anywhere from three to seven minutes–not including the National Anthem, Oh Canada.

Come on, 7 minutes?

That does not even rate a “quickie” status in my personal endeavors. Has anyone hit first gear in that time frame, and does that give new meaning to what is fondly called ‘minute men’? What happened to the Cosmopolitan articles of those that spend at least 107 minutes? So, after 13 minutes of the anticipated 107, is everyone thinking about what to wear tomorrow, who was cut from The Voice, and, where they can get something to soothe the chafing?

I asked my neighbour how long she thought sex should last and she replied, “three years–five with no kids”. This Dr. Oz poll was surely answered by baby boomers, as who else was brought up on TV with instant highlights, and no ability to focus for over 3 minutes. I guess we now have to find a TV program with lots of 60 second spots and look at our partner and say,

“Heh Baby, let’s get it on!”
My final summation is:

“Sex is like a gas station, sometimes you get full service, sometimes you gotta ask for service, and sometimes you have to be happy with self service!”

Flashbacks of Little Miss Flash Cadilac by Linda Seccaspina available at Wisteria 62 Bridge Street in Carleton Place or on Amazon.

Linda Seccaspina’s books here

Never Wear Fleece for Phone Sex — Call Me Maybe?

 

 

 

I miss writing humour and yesterday I was asked for a specific subject for an online web site. I am not going to share this in my local pages but please enjoy if you need a giggle..

Canadian Carly Rae Jepsen wasn’t kidding when she sang the lyrics to her hit song “Call Me Maybe”. Friday I read an article that made my ovaries shrivel up and possibly yours will too. Leave the peanut butter in the pantry and save the costumes for Halloween! You’ll never have to leave the house again as long distance romance has taken on a new twist. LovePalz  has created a two-way internet pleasure machine that allows anyone who has Wi-Fi to have a love connection. “Hera” for the ladies and “Zeus” for a partner are simply placed on your love zones along with options for adding other users for intimate social networking.

Of course this is all controlled by an iPhone app which Apple has yet to say yay or nay, but if Skype was smart they would snap this up as soon as possible. Surprisingly the tech company Kickstarter turned this idea down.  I assume that LovePalz was just a tad too racy for their site or  they were worried there were probably teams of malware coders out there trying to figure out how to pleasure themselves at both ends. Yes, hacking into the “hot connections” would go viral. But that didn’t stop LovePalz and January 2013 was when the movement began and mutual cyber pleasure went solo or online play.

Like the I Rub My Duckie Massager (available at drugstores near you) each LovePalz device is rechargeable and is totally waterproof. In the entire history of the English language there never ever has been a more chilling assemblage of words as ‘flip the duckie on and utilize it”. Think how Oprah could have boosted both these products on one her favourite things episode. But sex toys are like shoes and you get what you pay for. I wonder if a $15 vibrator and Skype wouldn’t provide the same service? Now, what if your partner is more into the story lines? Then what?

For $94.95 plus shipping you get both Hera and Zeus with a customized name and serial number on each one. For $10,000 you get a 24-karat gold plate edition and there only 10 pieces available. Hundreds of years from now people are going to dig up these artifacts and wonder what kind of sexually savage degenerates their ancestors were. That creepy rubber doll is probably the only reason that other life forms have never made contact with us. One thing is for sure, not moving like Jagger and slow connections are not going to make that spambot talk. God Bless Technology!

Taking Sexy Back with Brothel Bertie aka Edward the VII

On my way to the Mill of Kintail in Ontario last summer I knew I needed to take a picture of a sign that was erected in the middle of nowhere years ago. It has always fascinated me, and I often wonder who made the sign. Was it the neighbours, or might it have been the families of former British Loyalists that had hand crafted it? The sign says that in 1860, King Edward the VII knocked on the Metcalfe family’s door in Bennie’s Corners, Ontario. He was then was offered a cool drink from their spring “among the cedars”.  What do you do, or say, when the son of Queen Victoria knocks on your door?

Knowing me, I would have first asked the King about his mistress, Alice Keppel, great grandmother to Prince Charles wife Camilla Parker Bowles. Rumour has it Camilla’s grandmother, Sonia Keppel, was actually the illegitimate daughter of King Edward VII. The apple does not fall from the tree does it?  Should I have asked him about his documented love chair? I swear I would have given him all the water and smiles he wanted to know about little piece of history.

The Queen and her ladies however, used to do charity things during the day like sewing shirts for the poor or working on their beloved tapestries. Much time was spent in prayer reading the Bible in the garden, banquets, dancing or anything that would keep the King happy. Some of the Kings routines however were not to be divulged to his or adoring female followers.
As I researched more about Edward I had many questions about his secret sexual habits and the well known love chair.

Unknown to a lot of history books after that trip to Bennie’s Corners Edward was secretly called “The Prince of Pleasure”. His royal highness routinely gave his mother Queen Victoria, a royal headache with his frequent trips to the Parisian brothels. They say he literally killed his father when dear old Dad found out what a “luster buster” he was.

Because, Bertie, as he was called in private, was quite overweight, he needed a little help with his routine daily love making. The love chair was especially made for him so he could have multiple encounters at the same time.

Apparently the chair is still in use somewhere in France by the family of the creator, and a copy of it is at the Prague Sex Museum. Word on the internet highway is, that you can also purchase your very own copy if you would like. Somewhere in the corner of the darkened seedy part of the web lies someone that wants to offer you this chair for your routine sex habits.

I have seen a lot of erotic things in my life but this chair boggles my mind.
Who did what, where, and how? Ideas, anyone? Was it caused by the water at Bennie’s Corners?

Edward also had private bathtub in the brothel called Le Chabanais in France. It was a huge copper bath usually filled with champagne in the design of a half woman and half swan. King Edward bubble bathed his life away daily with his “lovelies” including Winston Churchill’s mother. Dirty Bertie’s tub was eventually purchased by Salvador Dali in 1951 for his daily wash ups from all that painting.

Seeing my great great grandmother Louise Knight was a lady in waiting for Queen Victoria, I shudder to think if she was involved in any of these routine court-side extravaganzas.

Louise was eventually kicked out for having “loose skirts” around the court. But, how “loose” were they? My grandparents had a good idea and never shared; but I am the first to admit that her skirts probably were routinely up around her neck. Or maybe she was just” let go” for bad technical support on certain furniture for her daily “mopping” and “royal welcomes”.

God save the King and someone needs to bottle that water at Bennie’s Corners!

From my friend John Morrow with great thanks

Meow! Check your facts on this. King Edward apparently didn’t meet Alice Keppel until almost 40 years after his trip to Canada according to Wikipedia. Another apocryphal story connected with this concerns the Metcalfe family’s son, Dr. Archibald Albert Metcalfe, later Mayor of Almonte and the man responsible for Almonte’s hydro-electric generating plant. Dr. Metcalfe was actually born 3 Nov 1869, but in his later years claimed he was born within a few days of the prince’s visit and was given the middle name Albert in honour of the occasion. Dr. Metcalfe died in 1962, claiming to be 101, but was actually 92 at the time.

Florida Changing Stand Your Ground to Grind Your Stand – Zoomer

 

Florida Changing Stand Your Ground to Grind Your Stand – Zoomer.

Kinky Sex, Real Estate, and Video Tape – Zoomer

 

Kinky Sex, Real Estate, and Video Tape – Zoomer.

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I Gave Up 2 hours to Being Naked and Afraid – Zoomer.

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