Hitting a Wall– You’re Going to Make it After All!

It had been coming since Great Granny’s incident last week. Over tired, emotional, bitchy (yes, bitchy) and headaches. You think you have it all together, then suddenly one day, you don’t. You hit a wall and emotionally you are going nowhere. You have done way too much and your body and mind is shutting down, and—- you just can’t stop it.

That was the condition I was in yesterday. For some people, hitting the wall looks like not being able to continue with daily life. For others, it could be loss of creativity and inspiration, inability to do good, and feeling terribly overwhelmed. The overwhelmed part is the key word here.

Video–This was Linda Yesterday…..

When you hit that wall in life, you need only remember– you have been through things before. You will get through this wall, too. Suddenly I begin thinking about Mary Tyler Moore and remember: Love is all around, no need to waste it. Please raise your hand if you wanted to live in Mary’s apartment and wear all her clothes. I used to sit around watching a snowy television set minus today’s remotes, iPad or cell phones, and always related to Rhoda Morgenstern– because she and I felt the same way about life.

“You’re having a lousy streak. I happen to be having a terrific streak. Soon the world will be back to normal. Tomorrow you will meet a crown head of Europe and marry. I will have a fat attack, eat 3000 peanut butter cups and die.” – Rhoda Morgenstern-

Rhoda Morgenstern and Mary proved that friendship isn’t about whom you have known the longest, it’s about who came, and never left your side. So that’s why I emailed Archdeacon Brian Kalk and asked him how he got through those days. I am not afraid to ask for help, and neither should you. So his good words got me through the first few hours and I also shut down my phone and computer for most of the day.

I went to the Hungry Lunch at noon and sat with the most wonderful folks and got hugs from Carol Dryburgh. I would have taken pictures, but remember the phone was shut down.

The most important thing is when you get to that spot in time, don’t forget to look back to see how far you’ve come. You’ve made it before. So you will again. It isn’t easy. But, it can be done,and it has to do with attitude.

Me? I am trying to ‘live every moment as much as I can’. Don’t waste this time wallowing in self pity, and it’s time to start again when you hit the wall. You can only do so much while dragging your feet with your head down– and I really don’t think it’s a good look. LOLOL

The light in you is meant to be seen, especially in the dark and remember what the real Mary Tyler Moore said,

”You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you. Take chances, make mistakes. That’s how you grow. Pain nourishes your courage. You have to fail in order to practise being brave and yes, you are going to make it after all.”

When I had a stroke I often wondered if others would understand more clearly what the aftermath of a silent killer was like if stroke or heart attack survivors had a visible affliction like a broken leg. I have been the recipient of both a stroke and a heart attack, and through nothing but sheer luck, their powerful silence did not kill me.

Strokes and heart attacks don’t run in my family–cancer does–and for the last 20 years I have been the last family member standing. It wasn’t the load that broke down this time–it was how I carried it. Inner stress runs through my veins every single day, and I was born a worrier, come from a lineage of worriers, and will sadly leave a legacy of more worriers. I was raised to believe that it’s our family’s duty to worry about everyone else and I proudly carry on the tradition. Each day I try to make a difference, but am in no way an overachiever or I would have been one of the folks putting in my artery stents Wednesday night.

I think most of us know what heart attack symptoms are backwards and forwards, but I mistook the first signs Sunday night as indigestion. I knew what was happening wasn’t normal, and I had a good idea of what was going on- but I was too busy drowning in the river of denial to see what was hitting me in the face–or to my heart. That’s right, I sat there trying to concentrate on the The Hand Maiden’s Tale ignoring the first heart attack. Yes, the first heart attack.

Wednesday night the pain in my chest, the nausea, and the shortness of breath returned again with a vengeance, and this time it did not go away. Again I balked going to the hospital for the sole reason that my British family raised me to ” have a stiff upper lip, chin up and never be a bother”. Seeing I don’t recall any of them ever experiencing heart attacks I sensed that none of then had ever felt jolts of electricity hitting them on the 4 block ride to the Carleton Place Hospital when they were trying to instill those family values in me.

About 7 minutes later I heard the words “cardio” and “call the ambulance” as my local hospital did everything they could to get me out of pain and rushed off to the Ottawa Heart Institute. This isn’t the first time that the Carleton Place Hospital has gone above and beyond for my family and I wish I could do more than just say “thank you”.

It wasn’t an easy ride for me in that ambulance as memories began flooding through my mind. Three years ago I had made the same journey, only to the Ottawa General Hospital with my late husband and they had asked him the same departure question as they asked me Wednesday night. In the space of 15 seconds you have to answer if you want to be resuscitated if something terminal happens, and let’s face it, even Google can’t answer that question. Steve knew exactly what answer he was going to hear– but it still hit him like a ton of bricks. Do not resuscitate!

In what seemed no time I was ushered into a cold looking room at the Ottawa Heart Institute that reminded me of an examining room from an alien B movie. Suddenly the whole space became a movie theatre with black and white shadowy images of my veins as the feature of the hour. I lay there and shook my head. I knew how I got there, but how do you shake the emotional sticky monkeys off your back. In what seemed no time, but I knew it wasn’t– I felt a rush of warmth fill my body from head to toe and knew that my veins were now flowing again. Trying to make light of a bad situation I silently wondered if this is how Vampires feel after a “satisfying bite”.

I’m honest, my health stats are not the best, but I was told if I don’t get rid of the stress it is going to end up killing me. I know a lot of of the load I carry is not mine to carry and I need to stop worrying about what I can’t control. But, that’s easier said than done, and I have to sit down and realize I can do anything, BUT not everything.

At 5:48 the next morning my machine began to beep from a small panic attack and I’m sure imaginary quotation marks were quickly rising from my body. A nurse popped her head in, looked at me and said in a thick Jamaican accent,

“Linda, let it go!”

With that she sat down beside me and reasoned that my greatest weapon is to be able to choose my own thoughts, and it’s all about finding the calm in the chaos.

Now I know I’ve got to find
Some kind of peace of mind

I’ll be searching everywhere

Thank you to the Carleton Place Hospital and the Ottawa Heart Institute for their amazing care and letting me be here a little while longer. Please donate!

Common heart attack signs and symptoms include:

Pressure, tightness, pain, or a squeezing or aching sensation in your chest or arms that may spread to your neck, jaw or back.
Nausea, indigestion, heartburn or abdominal pain.
Shortness of breath.
Cold sweat.
Fatigue.
Lightheadedness or sudden dizziness.