On the west coast I was always associated with being a humour writer. My dream once, was be a stand up comedian. My friend Kevin in Oakland, Ca. says he wants video from anyone in Lanark county if I do. Ain’t going to happen, but do support your local comedians at Lanark Laughs, Saturday night, March 21 at Ballygiblins.God only knows we could use the laughs after February.
I don’t think an introduction is even needed for this story, and I dedicate it to the people who take public transportation. They start my day just right! I guess this would be my first stand up routine.
Get Off My Lap! My Top 10 Transportation Peeves by Linda Seccaspina
1- An impatient person comes up behind you on the escalator, and is suddenly breathing down your neck. He suddenly becomes so close that he is really freaking me out; and for heaven’s sake what the heck did he eat last night?
2-Loud talking on your cell phone. Do I really want to know what your “Baby’s Daddy” is not doing for you?
3- Reading the emergency signs is a good thing. Playing with the emergency door release is not a good thing as it kind of holds up the subway train for 10 minutes or so.
4- Fumbling around and not having your ticket or money ready for the bus or train. I don’t know about you, but I knew I was taking public transportation when I got up this morning.
5- Hogging two seats with your back pack. Personally I don’t think your bag is that tired and I am!
6- Bus Drivers that don’t wait for people to sit down. If I am holding the pole screaming and my body is at a 45 degree angle chances are I am trying to sit down.
7- People taking their shoes off, especially if they are homeless. If these individuals start taking their socks off exit immediately as they don’t own foot spray.
8- People that try to get in after the doors have closed. Seriously bucko, do you think you are on Star Trek, and someone is going to beam you in? Sometimes I just want to take my umbrella and bang on the door and hit whatever appendage is protruding through. Going all “Kathy Bates Misery” on you might bang some sense into you.
9- People hauling trash bags full of recycling into whatever mode of transportation you are taking. Ten to one they have not invested in Glad bags and in about five minutes flat that bag is going to start leaking unknown liquids. Soon to follow are strange rogue bugs exiting the bags that are not even identified in reference books.
10- Occupying one of the handicap seats near the door as a blind man tries to sit on top of you. Chances are if his white cane is trying to go through your foot he wants to sit down.
Text- Linda Seccaspina
Tilting the Kilt, Vintage Whispers from Carleton Place by Linda Seccaspina is available at Wisteria at 62 Bridge Street, the Carleton Place Beckwith Museum in Carleton Place, Ontario and The Mississippi Valley Textile Mill in Almonte. available on all Amazon sites (Canada, US, Europe) and Barnes and Noble