Survivor’s Guilt —Set Adrift on a Memory Bliss

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My iPhone is slowly dying. The poor old gal has served me well but she is having a hard time charging now and making noises of desperation. We’ve all been there– and today I tried to dig out any built-up pocket lint in the charging port causing the connection to be blocked.  Let it be known the kids gave me a brand new iPhone 6 that has been sitting upstairs since Christmas, but I can’t seem to use it. I used to laugh at my late husband because he could never give up anything old–even me. He hung on to every little thing, and a lot of those things are still sitting in a storage unit somewhere.

Since my heart attacks emotions have been running high and strong and it’s been a curse to feel and remember things so deeply. For weeks I feel like I have been trying to earn a purple heart thinking about my lifetime of sad Hallmark moments. After sitting on the edge of life a few weeks ago I am inwardly beating myself up again and asking my inner self why I didn’t do things differently. In essence I am still blaming myself.

Some days I sit in the chair outside and ask myself how I am supposed to let go from every little thing that has happened to me? In all honesty there is no easy way to do it, and years of therapy proved that there are no practical or easy steps. Intellectually, I know what’s right– but it’s just not that easy to work through feelings, accept them, and not blame yourself for years gone by. It’s called ‘survivor’s guilt’ and coming so close to death this month makes you wonder if you will ever get rid of this albatross hanging around your neck. There are no easy solutions to this, no matter what anyone says, and taking a toothpick to my emotional port to clean out the lint is not a solution.

Using that new iPhone is scary to me just like life now. Letting go and moving on has a fear factor because of the unknown. Just like death–nothing more, nothing less–we are afraid of giving up the known. Our identity is so wrapped up in our past, because it’s all we know and it’s who we think we are. Now as I go through emotional difficult painful times I try to look at things from a different perspective.

There is always a lesson we must learn from our suffering– but will I finally get it in time? Everything happens for a reason, and unless we learn the lesson, we will continue to suffer.  Adversity is meant to shape us and to develop our capacity for greater things ahead–and for now I am just throwing it back with the rest.

That’s the way it goes I guess, and I will just keep trying to clean out my connection port. Apparently, it has always been an issue with the iPhone 5– and maybe my dock connector just needs some more cleaning.

 

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relatedreading

What Becomes of a Broken Heart?

And Suddenly I Became Sad for NO Reason at All….

I Had a Stroke – I Didn’t Break My Leg!

Information where you can buy all Linda Seccaspina’s books-You can also read Linda in The Townships Sun andScreamin’ Mamas (USA)

Come and visit the Lanark County Genealogical Society Facebook page– what’s there? Cool old photos–and lots of things interesting to read. Also check out The Tales of Carleton Place.

 

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About lindaseccaspina

Before she laid her fingers to a keyboard, Linda was a fashion designer, and then owned the eclectic store Flash Cadilac and Savannah Devilles in Ottawa on Rideau Street from 1976-1996. She also did clothing for various media and worked on “You Can’t do that on Television”. After writing for years about things that she cared about or pissed her off on American media she finally found her calling. She is a weekly columnist for the Sherbrooke Record and documents history every single day and has over 6500 blogs about Lanark County and Ottawa and an enormous weekly readership. Linda has published six books and is in her 4th year as a town councillor for Carleton Place. She believes in community and promoting business owners because she believes she can, so she does.

3 responses »

  1. Your post was very good and well expressed. Everything you say is true-with one exception. I do beleieve that adversity shapes us and that we learn from it. But it is dangerous to believe that everything happens for a reason. People find it comforting because it seems to make sense od things or say that everything is basically OK. However, you have to be careful, since somethings are tragic or unfortunate and cannot be seen as basically OK because they are “sent” to us. This doesn’t mean that we can’t learn and grow, but we should ascot that things happen because of Hyman fault or error and because we have to live according to the limitations of our world. For example, a terrible car accident where someone is killed may teach us how to cope with grief, but the accident and death shouldn’t be seen as being part of a plan. Who or what would plan someone’s death just to make a point? Usually someone or something is at fault and we can’t dismiss our own responsibilities. Good can come out of bad, but it seems cruel to think that people suffer just so we can learn a lesson. Thanks for listening.

    Liked by 1 person

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