Lisa Occomore’s Left Breast — First World Problems

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leftbreast

I used to write just about politics, crime and humour, but sometimes you just need to take a break from the history and today is the day. I just HAD to do this..:)

Our Carleton Place Valley Granite and Tile gal Lisa Occomore posted this picture on Facebook today with the caption:

“Yesterday we got home from the grocery store and I slipped into something more comfy. Started lunch, but I noticed something that has me scared…

Is it normal to have one breast bigger than the other????

I normally don’t post provocative photos but I’m seriously worried”.

 

First of all Lisa, why would you post about such a private matter girl? Have some dignity! But, if you are going to get down to basics I just love the 34Fs and 32A’s I buy at Mitchell’s Independent Grocers. Personally I believe it just means that the butcher was left handed that day and slapped those bigger breasts as a bonus in the container.

I swear, get women talking about their chicken breasts and one thing quickly becomes apparent. Hardly any of us are happy with what the grocery store gives us. Some of us feel our chicken breasts are too big, some too small. But what if, like Lisa, your chicken breasts are different sizes and oddly shaped?

A recent survey suggested 99 per cent of us buy different sized breasts to some degree, with a staggering 40 per cent of us return some of them that are two cup sizes bigger than the other. It’s such a hot topic that there are hundreds of online forums and support groups for chicken breast sufferers.

Actually Lisa, it’s something I’ve been only too aware of since my early-20s, when I finished puberty, but I thought no one else had noticed. But, a former boyfriend informed me at a Christmas party many years ago that he enjoyed my Barbecue chicken plate especially the breasts on the left side, ‘because there was more to look at’. I was horrified — not only at his lechery, but the fact that my uneven purchases were so visible. Since then, like you Lisa I’ve done everything I can to disguise it and make it an awareness issue.

So why the wonkiness in chicken breasts? Well, no one really knows, although genetics are thought to play a part and chickens possibly going through pregnancy and menopause — both hormonal events — can lead to a change even in non-matching breasts.

Interestingly, it is the left breast that is the more common one to fill out in abundance. This is because it is placed near the heart, and there are more arteries, veins and a protective layer of fat surrounding the heart located beneath it. We also all have a muscularly stronger side, too, normally the one which you write with.  This makes sense to anyone being left-handed, and on closer inspection I found a left thigh on a recent chicken purchase looked chunkier, too. At this point I decided to give up looking for other failings of symmetry.

We just have to make peace with the fact that sometimes you get one smaller than the other, no matter where you shop. Of course sometimes you can get a complete chicken that is lopsided too. In real life buying a bra is a nightmare, and so is buying chicken!

Incidentally, I personally have one breast bigger than the other, more noticeable since menopause, and lately have been looking for choices on how to disguise the obvious. I was very pleased to find this informative piece on Facebook this morning and know I’m not the only one with a ‘querk’. Apart from a close shave with a hungry husband, a chicken fillet and the George Foreman grill, I’m thrilled with the solution. My assets and chicken breasts are finally back on a level playing field.

But, isn’t it really what’s on the inside that counts?

So Lisa, just call it a variety pack and move on. Next week we shall talk about the bull’s testicles (*Rocky Mountain Oysters) and which one is bigger. I hear it’s the middle one.

historicalnotes

*What are Rocky Mountain oysters? They are that part of the bull that is removed in his youth so that he may thereby be more tractable, grow meatier, and behave less masculine. When the calves are branded, the testicles are cut off and thrown in a bucket of water. They are then peeled, washed, rolled in flour and pepper, and fried in a pan. They are considered to be quite a delicacy. Like other organ meats, testicles may be cooked in a variety of ways – deep-fried whole, cut into broad, thin slices, or marinated. At roundups in the old West, cowboys and ranch hands tossed the meat on a hot iron stove. When the calf fries exploded, they were done?

Eating animal genitalia dates back to ancient Roman times, when it was believed that eating a healthy animal’s organ might correct some ailment in the corresponding human organ of the male person eating it. Because of this belief, the practice continues to the present day, especially in Asia, where animal genitalia are considered an aphrodisiac.

The rugged folks of the Rocky Mountain region are not squeamish. Testicle festivals are held every spring and fall in Montana. These festivals can be very rowdy and may not be the best place to bring your children. If you can’t get to a festival, many restaurants and bars in Montana, Idaho, and Kansas serve Rocky Mountain oysters all year long and with less fanfare.

Relate reading:

Can We Please Stand Up and Cheer Valley Granite & Tile?

About lindaseccaspina

Before she laid her fingers to a keyboard, Linda was a fashion designer, and then owned the eclectic store Flash Cadilac and Savannah Devilles in Ottawa on Rideau Street from 1976-1996. She also did clothing for various media and worked on “You Can’t do that on Television”. After writing for years about things that she cared about or pissed her off on American media she finally found her calling. She is a weekly columnist for the Sherbrooke Record and documents history every single day and has over 6500 blogs about Lanark County and Ottawa and an enormous weekly readership. Linda has published six books and is in her 4th year as a town councillor for Carleton Place. She believes in community and promoting business owners because she believes she can, so she does.

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