February 5th 2010
When Steve opened the door this morning I heard him yell really loudly,
“What the hell?”
“You need to come here and see this quickly!”
Dear readers, there was no need to run, no need to even think. I could immediately smell what was on that mat from years of being a dog owner. As I walked to the front door in slow motion my nostrils filled with a scent so putrid that I immediately threw on the exhaust fan on my way over. Sitting there in the centre of my pride and joy was a steaming pile of poop the size of Metropolitan Cleveland.
Who and what created this perfect masterpiece that was sitting there on top of the delicate snowflake? Did this animal not share my thoughts on this rug of beauty? Yes, the rug had no where to go now but the dumpster. This building is full of artists and film editors and I assumed the culprit had to belong to one of them. I mean, there was no way I or they could have sculpted something so perfect.
Steve threw the rug out out, secretly thanking the dog who did it. The smell fading and the floor now bare in front of my door I thought of how great most of the animals in this building are. They were just as unique as their owners, so which one took the liberty of snowing on my snowflake?
Ten minutes later I saw HIM in the hall running without a care. An unknown visiting dog with a punk rock hoodie wrapped around his neck. His collar jingling, he stops dead in his tracks when he sees me. We both speak silently with our eyes locked and I suddenly find myself filled with immediate loud vocabulary. The dog now has down trodden eyes, and sucks himself as close to the far wall as he passes by me. I look at him as he walks with apprehension down the hall and scream,
“You little ^&*&$% !!!! Don’t do that again!”
Not wanting to have yet another a broken heart over a door mat I find something suitable at a second hand shop. Costing more than my Walmart special, it is plain and brown and obscure.
THE DOG – DAY 751
My captors continue to torment me with bizarre rubber squeek toys. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape…that and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of furniture. I fear I may be going insane!
Yes, I think to myself, this rug will last a lifetime. It has no colour, nor smell or feel of the outdoors. It is a rug that does not tease or beckon anything on four legs. It is fool proof.
Steve, yet again is marching another rug to the dumpster. The fool proof mat has met its match and it is soaking wet and wreaks of ammonia. Once again the bladder and bowels of some unknown creature has hit the mark and I no longer care.
I put out the $2.99 Ikea green and black stripe door mat found on page 39 of the catalog. I consider putting a “No Dumping” sign by my door. Alas, what good would that do as I fear I too I may be going insane.
As Corey Ford once said,
“We humans cannot think like dogs. There exists a sharp difference in the mental capacity of humans and canines. For example, a human who is given an intricate problem will spend all day trying to solve it, but a canine will have the sense to give up and do something else instead.”
So from now on I am thinking like a dog and will now have the common sense to do something else instead.
Like maybe give up on the mats!
Photos taken at Walmart, Carleton Place- December 23, 2015.