My Journey to Become the Future Queen Mum of England

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This is a repost from  April 25, 2011 in honour of Wednesday.

A long time ago when our beloved Princess Diana was going to get married she had to take etiquette lessons from the late Queen Mum. Now that “Mum” has passed who is going to steer young “Waity Katy” in the right royal direction?

I figure as a fellow commoner I might be the one to take over the job. Yesterday I immediately sent my resume to the Royal Palace asking them for the position.

Dear Elizabeth and Phillip,

I understand that your grandson William is about to be married and you might need a bit of help. I believe I am quite qualified to take over the job of the late Queen Mum. Below, are my qualifications which I hope you find satisfactory.

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My son Schuyleur looks a little like your grandson so I can bring him along to act as a double for William. He is the same height and weight, and has the gift of gab like his mother. As you can see from the picture, he comes complete with Carleton Place’s finest in bodyguards. That is a 2 for 1 special in itself!

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Elizabeth, of course you will remember this dress that was worn by the late Michelle Cadieux. She wore this 40 pound dress that I designed to meet you a few years ago. I understand Kate has her own personal couturier and royal dresser, but please keep in mind I used to design the best of “Queen of Brothel Bertie”  fashions.

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I know that for you to even consider me for this job I must have some experience with the Royal Court.  I present to you the above photo for admission of proof. This figurine was given to me by my late grandmother Mary Louise Deller Knight. It was originally passed on by my great great grandmother Louisa Knight. She worked in your very same court as a lady in waiting for Queen Victoria. What a small world! This was given to her by Vicky herself.

Sad to say Louisa was banished from court because she had what they called “loose skirts”. I wish to tell you just in case you are concerned that she ended up marrying quite well. Louisa married the Duke of Essex and her descendants down the line owned the trucking company that hauled the milk for the Nestle Company. How wonderful that the whole family ended up in the pudding business.

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I submit for your satisfaction a picture of me taken yesterday in royal clothing. Notice how well the crown is made from items from the dollar store. Bodyguards would not be necessary as I have been told I have quite the ‘gift of gab” that scares people off!

In closing I would like to thank you for your consideration of my offer and in signing off – I salute you with the royal wave.

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Very truly yours,

Linda Seccaspina

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Sister blog–

FACT – The Queen is Not Affiliated with Freddie Mercury

Buy Linda Secaspina’s Books— Flashbacks of Little Miss Flash Cadilac– Tilting the Kilt-Vintage Whispers of Carleton Place and 4 others on Amazon or Amazon Canada or Wisteria at 62 Bridge Street in Carleton Place

About lindaseccaspina

Linda Knight Seccaspina was born in Cowansville, Quebec about the same time as the wheel was invented and the first time she realized she could tell a tale was when she got caught passing her smutty stories around in Grade 7 at CHS by Mrs. Blinn. When Derek "Wheels" Wheeler from Degrassi Jr. High died in 2010, Linda wrote her own obituary. Some people said she should think about a career in writing obituaries. Before she laid her fingers to a keyboard, Linda owned the eclectic store Flash Cadilac and Savannah Devilles in Ottawa from 1976-1996. After writing for years about things that she cared about or pissed her off she finally found her calling. Is it sex drugs and rock n' roll you might ask? No, it is history. Seeing that her very first boyfriend in Grade 5 (who she won a Twist contest with in the 60s) is the head of the Brome Misissiquoi Historical Society and also specializes in local history back in Quebec, she finds that quite funny. She writes every single day and is also a columnist for Hometown News and Screamin's Mamas. She is a volunteer for the Carleton Place and Beckwith Heritage Museum, an admin for the Lanark County Genealogical Society Facebook page, and a local guest speaker. She has been now labelled an historian by the locals which in her mind is wrong. You see she will never be like the iconic local Lanark County historian Howard Morton Brown, nor like famed local writer Mary Cook. She proudly calls herself The National Enquirer Historical writer of Lanark County, and that she can live with. Linda has been called the most stubborn woman in Lanark County, and has requested her ashes to be distributed in any Casino parking lot as close to any Wheel of Fortune machine as you can get. But since she wrote her obituary, most people assume she's already dead. Linda has published six books, "Menopausal Woman From the Corn," "Cowansville High Misremembered," "Naked Yoga, Twinkies and Celebrities," "Cancer Calls Collect," "The Tilted Kilt-Vintage Whispers of Carleton Place," and "Flashbacks of Little Miss Flash Cadilac." All are available at Amazon in paperback and Kindle. Linda's books are for sale on Amazon or at Wisteria · 62 Bridge Street · Carleton Place, Ottawa, Canada, and at the Carleton Place and Beckwith Heritage Museum · 267 Edmund Street · Carleton Place, Ottawa, Canada--Appleton Museum-Mississippi Textile Mill and Mill Street Books and Heritage House Museum and The Artists Loft in Smith Falls.

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