“Sitting on the table was a loaf of bread and a huge jar of communal peanut butter that passed for lunch. Did I also mention the warm milk- fresh from the udder of their cow? I do believe I declined all of it, despite the insistence of my mother that I share the meal. It wasn’t the muddy kids that scared me nor the sheer loudness of the place; it was quite frankly their outhouse. There is nothing worse than having to go do your business in an open vented shack, with a Simpsons Sears catalog nailed to the wall glaring at you. I vowed that if we ever went there again I would not even venture near the ‘Sears booth’.
That Christmas Eve, my mother thought it a good idea to visit, as the family was going to move that summer. My father, being the smart one, refused to go, which I thought was a brilliant decision. My mother, on the other hand, convinced a neighbour to drive us up that slippery, steep mountain road; a drive I thought was going to be the death of us all.
Because our Ma Kettle was French Canadian, we were to participate in a traditional ‘Christmas Eve Reveillion’. French Canadians do most of their celebrating on Christmas Eve, and have a feast that boggles the mind.
There was the traditional tortiere (meat pie), ham, baked beans and a Bouche de Noel (Christmas log cake). One of the younger girls pointed proudly to a black cast iron pot, simmering away on top of the wood stove. She told me she had helped her mother make the traditional ‘ragout de pate de cochon’, which in English means a stew made out of one their recently deceased piggies. I really wanted to enjoy this meal but I just couldn’t. The vision of that horrible outhouse kept running through my mind.
If it had been horrible in the summer- what was it going to be now, with four feet of fresh snow on the ground? Would my bottom become stuck to the rim like a fresh wet tongue on a steel post? Would the pages of the Simpsons Sears catalog be cold? I made the decision that I was not going to eat or drink anything. There was no way my fanny was going into that place, even if they did put a small Christmas tree on top.
After dinner the kids decided to go outside and build a big fire and toast marshmallows on sticks. The boys were classic examples of every bad kid you have ever seen and they were not afraid of anything. The fire suddenly got out of control and it all went downhill from there. The oldest son, called Twinkie, had a stick engulfed in flames, and instead of throwing it back into the fire he tossed it into the air. Where did that flaming stick land? You guessed it!
It hit the Christmas tree that was perched on top of the outhouse and that was all she wrote. The tree immediately burst into flames and the boys cheered loudly and enthusiastically. No one ran into the house for help and not one of them seemed scared. We all just stood there and watched the tree and the outhouse burn under the twinkling stars, while the people inside the house sang ‘Silent Night’ in drunken unison.
As burning pieces of the Simpsons Sears catalogs rose up into the sky, I had a feeling that once their parents learnt what happened, the rest of the night was not going to be silent at all. Twinkie was probably going to make some noise once his father got a hold of him. For my part, I was just glad the outhouse was finally gone and hoped Santa would bring them all a real toilet for Christmas.”
An excerpt from my story Twinky Stinky Little Star —Menopausal Woman From the Corn
You remember Kevie Mitchell who sells the she-sheds? Well the outhouse is coming back into style. God help us all! Yup, the outhouse is selling like crazy, and I just about died when I saw it. They are also built by the Amish in upstate NY. Those guys know what they shovel ahh.. build! Not only is there is a single unit– it now comes in a double wide. His motto is: “The family that poops together stays together!”
Me? I have nothing to say–just nothing. Nothinggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
Get your she-sheds and your “little shacks out back” for your lovely ladies here in Carleton Place!
You can see them on Hwy. 7, just beside the Gourmet Restaurant. All Amish built sheds and Gazebos. The 10 x 24 cottage delivered to your location for under $ 6,000. Isn’t that worth it guys? They have sheds to suit everyone’s needs, all custom built to your liking with the custom quality workmanship of the Amish community. Stop in and say HI to Kevin! AND NO I DO NOT want an outhouse.. I was mortified as it was when I saw them hahaha
*****Let’s Not forget Nikki Laframboise’s privies either at the old Storyland soon to be Elements Luxury Tented Camp and Spa!
Buy Linda Secaspina’s Books— Flashbacks of Little Miss Flash Cadilac– Tilting the Kilt-Vintage Whispers of Carleton Place and 4 others on Amazon or Amazon Canada or Wisteria at 62 Bridge Street in Carleton Place
Song Dedicated to Margie Leary
lindaseccaspina 