Apparently the blueberry crop is not that good this year and we are seeing more bears hitting civilization looking for food. Advice I have read so as not attract bears.
Trust me they will not get any surprises from me! No not a one!
“Bears check out anything smelly. If you can smell it, there’s a good chance a bear will pick up the scent and come to investigate.”
Good lord, I put on some Avon cream, will they come a knockin?”
“Change clothes you wore while cooking, before going to bed.”
I should hope so- that fish was pretty smelly!
“In the backcountry, women should keep used tampons in sealed plastic bags.”
No problem I stopped breeding years ago.
“Always lock food in the trunk of your car.”
What? Bears never look in the backseat?
“If you meet a bear Stay calm, talk quietly, don’t run- Seeing a bear is exciting; it can also be dangerous, Try to determine what kind of bear it is – black or grizzly.”
Exciting? Determine what kind of bear it is? Who writes this stuff?
“Now who in the hell would be playing ball here in the middle of nowhere?”
“Bears don’t want to attack you; they just want to make sure you’re not a threat. Sometimes bears will bluff their way out of a threatening situation by charging and then veering away at the last second.”
Tell that to the last person that was last chomped up!
“Make a detour or leave the area: If this is impossible, wait until the bear moves away. Always leave the animal an escape route.”
He can have as much room as he wants with me.. seriously.
“Don’t throw anything: This could provoke a bear attack.”
Believe me I throw like a girl. Wait! I am a girl.
“Any bear that approaches people, snaps it’s jaws, makes whoofing sounds, or lowers its head and lays its ears back, is displaying aggressiveness”
NO shit Sherlock!
“Back away slowly, never run!!: Bears run as fast as a racehorse!”
And I my friend run as fast as a menopausal woman.
“Talk softly: if a bear rears up on its hind legs and waves its nose about,
it is trying to identify you. Remain still and talk to the bear.”
So do I ask him how he liked Kim Kardashians wedding dress? What the hell was on her head
when she got married? Armenian princess tiara my ass!
“Climb if there’s a tree nearby to get away from the bear!”
LOL can you hear me know? A TREE????
Bear attacks are rare.
Hmmm not what I have heard- are you picking this stuff out of the air? And the government pays you to write this stuff?
Play dead. Curl up in a ball and cover your face, neck, and abdomen. Remain still until the bear leaves the area. These attacks seldom last more than a few minutes..
A few minutes? Thats all it takes to die!!
“Canadian Bear Bait is really French fry grease from the local Chip Trucks”
“If you can’t climb a tree, remember the bear may follow you. As a last resort,
try to intimidate the bear with a branch or rock.”
That’s right- take that and that and that!
“Bear Sprays contain a form of cayenne pepper that irritates the bear’s eyes and lungs. Wind and other factors may reduce the effectiveness. If the spray blows in your face, you will suffer the same effects as the bear.”
“Achoo”… or as Jerry Seinfeld says “You’re so good looking!”
Everyone except bears that is!
Images and text by Linda Seccaspina on some god forsaken back road near Smiths Falls looking for some cemetery,
Buy Linda Secaspina’s Books— Flashbacks of Little Miss Flash Cadilac– Tilting the Kilt-Vintage Whispers of Carleton Place and 4 others on Amazon or Amazon Canada or Wisteria at 62 Bridge Street in Carleton Place