Riding on Lanark Back Roads Without Bears!


Apparently the blueberry crop is not that good this year and we are seeing more bears hitting civilization looking for food. Advice I have read so as not attract bears.

“Wild Wings Sign”” In the back country you need to take special care: Bears don’t like surprises!

Trust me they will not get any surprises from me! No not a one!

“Mailman’s Car going by me at 80mph in the distance. My question is why?”

“Bears check out anything smelly. If you can smell it, there’s a good chance a bear will pick up the scent and come to investigate.”

Good lord, I put on some Avon cream, will they come a knockin?”

“Wild Backroad Foliage”

“Change clothes you wore while cooking, before going to bed.”

I should hope so- that fish was pretty smelly!

“Would I really get out of my car for an eggs sign in bear country?

“In the backcountry, women should keep used tampons in sealed plastic bags.”

No problem I stopped breeding years ago.

“Now why is this road all locked off?”

“Always lock food in the trunk of your car.”

What? Bears never look in the backseat?

“Why is this box here and what the hell is it?”

“If you meet a bear Stay calm, talk quietly, don’t run- Seeing a bear is exciting; it can also be dangerous, Try to determine what kind of bear it is – black or grizzly.”

Exciting? Determine what kind of bear it is? Who writes this stuff?

“Now who in the hell would be playing ball here in the middle of nowhere?”

“Bears don’t want to attack you; they just want to make sure you’re not a threat. Sometimes bears will bluff their way out of a threatening situation by charging and then veering away at the last second.”

Tell that to the last person that was last chomped up!

“The sign says Attack Dogs are on Patrol- Is this a Marijuana Field?”

“Make a detour or leave the area: If this is impossible, wait until the bear moves away. Always leave the animal an escape route.”

He can have as much room as he wants with me.. seriously.

“The Gow Bus Stop 25 miles down a dirt road.. a chair? Really?

“Don’t throw anything: This could provoke a bear attack.”

Believe me I throw like a girl. Wait! I am a girl.

“Lots of pioneer sod homes on Piney Road”

“Any bear that approaches people, snaps it’s jaws, makes whoofing sounds, or lowers its head and lays its ears back, is displaying aggressiveness”

NO shit Sherlock!

“11 Km of chills and thrills on a gravel road”

“Back away slowly, never run!!: Bears run as fast as a racehorse!”

And I my friend run as fast as a menopausal woman.

“Back Off Canada- Leave our land alone or the British will be coming-again!”

“Talk softly: if a bear rears up on its hind legs and waves its nose about,
it is trying to identify you. Remain still and talk to the bear.”

So do I ask him how he liked Kim Kardashians wedding dress? What the hell was on her head
when she got married? Armenian princess tiara my ass!

“Looking for Hydro Poles to find civilzation- I have had enough adventure!”

“Climb if there’s a tree nearby to get away from the bear!”

LOL can you hear me know? A TREE????

“Duck Pond in the distance but too afraid to get out of car to get a closer shot.”

Bear attacks are rare.

Hmmm not what I have heard- are you picking this stuff out of the air? And the government pays you to write this stuff?

“Loose Gravel and Indian arrowheads might deflate my tires.”

Play dead. Curl up in a ball and cover your face, neck, and abdomen. Remain still until the bear leaves the area. These attacks seldom last more than a few minutes..

A few minutes? Thats all it takes to die!!

Canadian Bear Bait is really French fry grease from the local Chip Trucks”

“If you can’t climb a tree,  remember the bear may follow you. As a last resort,
try to intimidate the bear with a branch or rock.”

That’s right- take that and that and that!

“Linda kept the door open at all times and the car running during this photo shoot.”

“Bear Sprays contain a form of cayenne pepper that irritates the bear’s eyes and lungs. Wind and other factors may reduce the effectiveness. If the spray blows in your face, you will suffer the same effects as the bear.”

“Achoo”… or as Jerry Seinfeld says “You’re so good looking!”

Everyone except bears that is!

Images and text by Linda Seccaspina  on some god forsaken back road near Smiths Falls looking for some cemetery,

Buy Linda Secaspina’s Books— Flashbacks of Little Miss Flash Cadilac– Tilting the Kilt-Vintage Whispers of Carleton Place and 4 others on Amazon or Amazon Canada or Wisteria at 62 Bridge Street in Carleton Place

About lindaseccaspina

Linda Knight Seccaspina was born in Cowansville, Quebec about the same time as the wheel was invented and the first time she realized she could tell a tale was when she got caught passing her smutty stories around in Grade 7 at CHS by Mrs. Blinn. When Derek "Wheels" Wheeler from Degrassi Jr. High died in 2010, Linda wrote her own obituary. Some people said she should think about a career in writing obituaries. Before she laid her fingers to a keyboard, Linda owned the eclectic store Flash Cadilac and Savannah Devilles in Ottawa from 1976-1996. After writing for years about things that she cared about or pissed her off she finally found her calling. Is it sex drugs and rock n' roll you might ask? No, it is history. Seeing that her very first boyfriend in Grade 5 (who she won a Twist contest with in the 60s) is the head of the Brome Misissiquoi Historical Society and also specializes in local history back in Quebec, she finds that quite funny. She writes every single day and is also a columnist for Hometown News and Screamin's Mamas. She is a volunteer for the Carleton Place and Beckwith Heritage Museum, an admin for the Lanark County Genealogical Society Facebook page, and a local guest speaker. She has been now labelled an historian by the locals which in her mind is wrong. You see she will never be like the iconic local Lanark County historian Howard Morton Brown, nor like famed local writer Mary Cook. She proudly calls herself The National Enquirer Historical writer of Lanark County, and that she can live with. Linda has been called the most stubborn woman in Lanark County, and has requested her ashes to be distributed in any Casino parking lot as close to any Wheel of Fortune machine as you can get. But since she wrote her obituary, most people assume she's already dead. Linda has published six books, "Menopausal Woman From the Corn," "Cowansville High Misremembered," "Naked Yoga, Twinkies and Celebrities," "Cancer Calls Collect," "The Tilted Kilt-Vintage Whispers of Carleton Place," and "Flashbacks of Little Miss Flash Cadilac." All are available at Amazon in paperback and Kindle. Linda's books are for sale on Amazon or at Wisteria · 62 Bridge Street · Carleton Place, Ottawa, Canada, and at the Carleton Place and Beckwith Heritage Museum · 267 Edmund Street · Carleton Place, Ottawa, Canada--Appleton Museum-Mississippi Textile Mill and Mill Street Books and Heritage House Museum and The Artists Loft in Smith Falls.

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