“Manolo-in” and “Jimmy Choo-in” about Uncomfortable Shoes

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Emily Bracken from Bon Vivant magazine once wrote a tasty piece called,“10 Signs She Will Be a High Maintenance Woman”. Proudly I do not fit into any category of hers any longer.  There are no decorated fingernails, fur lined jackets, or a pink rhinestone cell phone in my pocket. Hair extensions are not disguised upon my head, nor am I an European Femme Nikita.

Bracken also mentions that any woman that wears over three inch heels is definitely going to be a problem. I can totally understand as that particular woman will probably be in agony from wearing her Jimmy Choo’s or whatever she has on her feet. NO matter how hard you try she is never going to engage in any delightful conversation.

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I wore trendy heels every day of my life until I birthed son number one. Two hours after the birth; the days of wearing anything with a heel were all over. I was left with a permanent slight swelling of my left foot, probably from grappling the stirrups of the delivery table like a monkey swinging from tree to tree for 28 hours.

Last year I walked into Walmart on a quest for comfy shoes. Instead I walked out with two pairs of high heel shoes that cost only $5.00 each. I was thrilled when I tried them on and vowed to wear them everyday for one hour until I got used to them.The next day I donned those leopard 4 inch heels trimmed in red and walked from the car to the row of grocery carts. By aisle two I was hung over the cart to support myself and my feet were in excruciating pain.

A farmer in overalls was also checking out my shoes and followed me to aisle four pretending to buy peaches. He returned a few times still eyeing the shoes and I don’t think I ever realized the power of heels in a rural area. I paid for the groceries and literally crawled back to the car in pain. I immediately ripped them off and the feeling of relief was much like being constipated and then having it all disappear. I swear that nothing comes closer to that feeling than after you remove painful fashionista shoes.

I gave away my last pair of leopard stilettos to a friend of mine after keeping them in my closet for five years. They had thin gold heels and the suede was soft as silk but had only been worn once for about 8 minutes. Placing them on my feet as I sat on the couch at a monthly church lady meeting; I gingerly walked over for tea with a performance worthy of an Academy Award. The ladies marveled at how I had walked in them all day and I never acknowledged anything different. ( I know what you are thinking. I am going to shoe hell in a hand basket.

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Now I only wear your basic flat black Mary Jane shoes made by Crocs or Champion. I bow to every Fashionista girl that wears anything over a three inch heel and does not show one ounce of pain while she walks with a quick step down the street. I actually approached someone on a random Subway platform once her how she did it. In reality she was actually a he and then it all made sense. When they made the mold for males and females they somehow put the better calf muscles into the males as most gay males can rock heels like no woman I have ever seen.

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I think we should all revolt and demand our rightful calves back, but then again I will never ever be a ‘Sex and the City’ girl anymore. I love being able to walk without being in pain and holding the title of a low maintenance girl. After all– these flats or skimmers as they call them are absolutely made for walking. And now that’s just what I do – in absolute comfort. But, I still watch repeats of Sex and the City every night to see those ladies rock their shoes. Sigh….

You jut can’t win can you?

Buy Linda Secaspina’s Books— Flashbacks of Little Miss Flash Cadilac and 5 others onAmazon or Amazon Canada or Wisteria at 62 Bridge Street in Carleton Place

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About lindaseccaspina

Linda Knight Seccaspina was born in Cowansville, Quebec about the same time as the wheel was invented and the first time she realized she could tell a tale was when she got caught passing her smutty stories around in Grade 7 at CHS by Mrs. Blinn. When Derek "Wheels" Wheeler from Degrassi Jr. High died in 2010, Linda wrote her own obituary. Some people said she should think about a career in writing obituaries. Before she laid her fingers to a keyboard, Linda owned the eclectic store Flash Cadilac and Savannah Devilles in Ottawa from 1976-1996. After writing for years about things that she cared about or pissed her off she finally found her calling. Is it sex drugs and rock n' roll you might ask? No, it is history. Seeing that her very first boyfriend in Grade 5 (who she won a Twist contest with in the 60s) is the head of the Brome Misissiquoi Historical Society and also specializes in local history back in Quebec, she finds that quite funny. She writes every single day and is also a columnist for Hometown News and Screamin's Mamas. She is a volunteer for the Carleton Place and Beckwith Heritage Museum, an admin for the Lanark County Genealogical Society Facebook page, and a local guest speaker. She has been now labelled an historian by the locals which in her mind is wrong. You see she will never be like the iconic local Lanark County historian Howard Morton Brown, nor like famed local writer Mary Cook. She proudly calls herself The National Enquirer Historical writer of Lanark County, and that she can live with. Linda has been called the most stubborn woman in Lanark County, and has requested her ashes to be distributed in any Casino parking lot as close to any Wheel of Fortune machine as you can get. But since she wrote her obituary, most people assume she's already dead. Linda has published six books, "Menopausal Woman From the Corn," "Cowansville High Misremembered," "Naked Yoga, Twinkies and Celebrities," "Cancer Calls Collect," "The Tilted Kilt-Vintage Whispers of Carleton Place," and "Flashbacks of Little Miss Flash Cadilac." All are available at Amazon in paperback and Kindle. Linda's books are for sale on Amazon or at Wisteria · 62 Bridge Street · Carleton Place, Ottawa, Canada, and at the Carleton Place and Beckwith Heritage Museum · 267 Edmund Street · Carleton Place, Ottawa, Canada--Appleton Museum-Mississippi Textile Mill and Mill Street Books and Heritage House Museum and The Artists Loft in Smith Falls.

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