Go Ask Alice – The Saga of a Personal Ad Divorce

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                This is a true story about someone that was near and dear to me

Alice read the personal ads that had been thrown down on the floor by the bed. She knew that Bob’s mind was living somewhere else these days besides inside their 2 story home. Putting on her glasses she slowly began to read them until one grabbed her by the throat and did not let go.

“Attractive athletic guy with a fun down to earth personality and married seeking an attractive married lady in my same or similar situation. I am not looking for a divorce or to be a home wrecker only looking for an attractive married lady who understands that I am NOT available to go out on weekends and usual times that people date.”

 

 

It seemed that was her husband and his very organized life had allotted no tom foolery on the weekends as they practically lived at the country club. God forbid he lose his social status on his way up the society ladder.

Night after night after she had read that very first personal ad, he failed to come home after work until almost dawn. Alice listened to excuse after excuse until one day she could take no more. She filed for divorce and threw him out of the home that she would ultimately lose six months later because she could not pay the mortgage. He continued to send her emails screaming of the love he still had for her along with missing his beloved home. Bob continued to speak about his needs and wants in the personal ads and one day she read the following and again knew it was him.

Losing these (.) (.) in the Divorce

Yep, we are losing the house, she took the car, our credit is in the toilet and all I miss about her is the TWINS – those luscious 40DD beauties.

 

After she read that she was disgusted she had lost so many years with him as it was obvious he only seemed to miss her boobs. Bob continued to drag the paperwork and the lawyers were costing more than anything they had ever saved. Alice was now living with her mother at the age of 41 and each day crawled by with emails from lawyers and more delays. Finally Bob promised her an ending if she gave him some first edition books that he wanted. Alice agreed as she would sell her soul to put an end to this dragging divorce.

She dressed that day with care in hopes of finally celebrating the end of a relationship with someone she now hated. Alice sat down on one side of the table and he sat on the other. The piercing dark looks they exchanged said it all. He wanted more and demanded the only thing she now had left. If she gave him her car then and only then would he would finalize the divorce. Alice was in a rage as she walked down 23 flights of stairs and wondered what she had initially seen in him.

The next day as she glanced at the personal ads she read the following:

Today in Divorce Court on the 23rd floor.

This is a long shot but I’ll give it a try. You were on the 23rd Floor today of the 175 Smith Building in Divorce Court at 1:30pm. I was wearing a black long sleeve shirt with the cuffs rolled-up and jeans. We glanced at each other a few times…but it’s an awkward place to approach someone. If you had blonde hair and were wearing a short black dress please contact me.

With that Alice started to draw and did not stop until she finished. She scanned the cartoon and emailed it to the newspaper. The next day she opened her paper to the personal ads and started to smile. She suddenly felt in charge of a situation that had gone so very wrong.

“Bob Reggie- remember us years ago?”

“I gave you everything I had, you decided to build a steamroller and run over me. It’s been 2 years since we’ve lived together, and over 6 months since we’ve seen each other. Finish the damn divorce paperwork, please.”

And he did..

Buy Linda Secaspina’s Books— Flashbacks of Little Miss Flash Cadilac and 5 others onAmazon or Amazon Canada or Wisteria at 62 Bridge Street in Carleton Place

About lindaseccaspina

Linda Knight Seccaspina was born in Cowansville, Quebec about the same time as the wheel was invented and the first time she realized she could tell a tale was when she got caught passing her smutty stories around in Grade 7 at CHS by Mrs. Blinn. When Derek "Wheels" Wheeler from Degrassi Jr. High died in 2010, Linda wrote her own obituary. Some people said she should think about a career in writing obituaries. Before she laid her fingers to a keyboard, Linda owned the eclectic store Flash Cadilac and Savannah Devilles in Ottawa from 1976-1996. After writing for years about things that she cared about or pissed her off she finally found her calling. Is it sex drugs and rock n' roll you might ask? No, it is history. Seeing that her very first boyfriend in Grade 5 (who she won a Twist contest with in the 60s) is the head of the Brome Misissiquoi Historical Society and also specializes in local history back in Quebec, she finds that quite funny. She writes every single day and is also a columnist for Hometown News and Screamin's Mamas. She is a volunteer for the Carleton Place and Beckwith Heritage Museum, an admin for the Lanark County Genealogical Society Facebook page, and a local guest speaker. She has been now labelled an historian by the locals which in her mind is wrong. You see she will never be like the iconic local Lanark County historian Howard Morton Brown, nor like famed local writer Mary Cook. She proudly calls herself The National Enquirer Historical writer of Lanark County, and that she can live with. Linda has been called the most stubborn woman in Lanark County, and has requested her ashes to be distributed in any Casino parking lot as close to any Wheel of Fortune machine as you can get. But since she wrote her obituary, most people assume she's already dead. Linda has published six books, "Menopausal Woman From the Corn," "Cowansville High Misremembered," "Naked Yoga, Twinkies and Celebrities," "Cancer Calls Collect," "The Tilted Kilt-Vintage Whispers of Carleton Place," and "Flashbacks of Little Miss Flash Cadilac." All are available at Amazon in paperback and Kindle. Linda's books are for sale on Amazon or at Wisteria · 62 Bridge Street · Carleton Place, Ottawa, Canada, and at the Carleton Place and Beckwith Heritage Museum · 267 Edmund Street · Carleton Place, Ottawa, Canada--Appleton Museum-Mississippi Textile Mill and Mill Street Books and Heritage House Museum and The Artists Loft in Smith Falls.

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