I Can’t Date You If


If you have been on Divorce Court more that once.

If you show up with a loaded gun on the first date and fire warning shots at the slow waiter; I generally don’t pursue things any further.

If you have an STD I can’t date you, and I insist on seeing lab tests results.

I can’t date you until the Botox wears off so I can show you I’m interested.

If you can’t contribute to a decision involving both of us: “Umm I don’t know, where do you want to go?”

If you know all the women in the bar.

If eat your own boogers– isn’t that one in the Bible?
If you express your feelings to social networks before you tell me about them.

If you have green teeth and they are facing north, south, east, and west.


If you are my sister, first cousin, or under 12 years old. (not valid in Mississippi)

If your family reunions are held at ‘Jimbo’s Topless Joint.’

If you ‘just love’ your dogs, all 42 of them.

If you have underwear that is older than your Grandmother, or once belonged to your Grandmother.

If you don’t appreciate the McDonalds dollar menu.

If you think women should be a thin as a heroin addict or a 12 year old boy with a girl’s face and hair. It isn’t is healthy – period.

If your seasonal bath involves a midnight trip to the car wash.

My Father said not to date anymore as the backyard is almost full.


About lindaseccaspina

Before she laid her fingers to a keyboard, Linda was a fashion designer, and then owned the eclectic store Flash Cadilac and Savannah Devilles in Ottawa on Rideau Street from 1976-1996. She also did clothing for various media and worked on “You Can’t do that on Television”. After writing for years about things that she cared about or pissed her off on American media she finally found her calling. She is a weekly columnist for the Sherbrooke Record and documents history every single day and has over 6500 blogs about Lanark County and Ottawa and an enormous weekly readership. Linda has published six books and is in her 4th year as a town councillor for Carleton Place. She believes in community and promoting business owners because she believes she can, so she does.

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