Never Wear Fleece for Phone Sex — Call Me Maybe?

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I miss writing humour and yesterday I was asked for a specific subject for an online web site. I am not going to share this in my local pages but please enjoy if you need a giggle..

Canadian Carly Rae Jepsen wasn’t kidding when she sang the lyrics to her hit song “Call Me Maybe”. Friday I read an article that made my ovaries shrivel up and possibly yours will too. Leave the peanut butter in the pantry and save the costumes for Halloween! You’ll never have to leave the house again as long distance romance has taken on a new twist. LovePalz  has created a two-way internet pleasure machine that allows anyone who has Wi-Fi to have a love connection. “Hera” for the ladies and “Zeus” for a partner are simply placed on your love zones along with options for adding other users for intimate social networking.

Of course this is all controlled by an iPhone app which Apple has yet to say yay or nay, but if Skype was smart they would snap this up as soon as possible. Surprisingly the tech company Kickstarter turned this idea down.  I assume that LovePalz was just a tad too racy for their site or  they were worried there were probably teams of malware coders out there trying to figure out how to pleasure themselves at both ends. Yes, hacking into the “hot connections” would go viral. But that didn’t stop LovePalz and January 2013 was when the movement began and mutual cyber pleasure went solo or online play.

Like the I Rub My Duckie Massager (available at drugstores near you) each LovePalz device is rechargeable and is totally waterproof. In the entire history of the English language there never ever has been a more chilling assemblage of words as ‘flip the duckie on and utilize it”. Think how Oprah could have boosted both these products on one her favourite things episode. But sex toys are like shoes and you get what you pay for. I wonder if a $15 vibrator and Skype wouldn’t provide the same service? Now, what if your partner is more into the story lines? Then what?

For $94.95 plus shipping you get both Hera and Zeus with a customized name and serial number on each one. For $10,000 you get a 24-karat gold plate edition and there only 10 pieces available. Hundreds of years from now people are going to dig up these artifacts and wonder what kind of sexually savage degenerates their ancestors were. That creepy rubber doll is probably the only reason that other life forms have never made contact with us. One thing is for sure, not moving like Jagger and slow connections are not going to make that spambot talk. God Bless Technology!

About lindaseccaspina

Before she laid her fingers to a keyboard, Linda was a fashion designer, and then owned the eclectic store Flash Cadilac and Savannah Devilles in Ottawa on Rideau Street from 1976-1996. She also did clothing for various media and worked on “You Can’t do that on Television”. After writing for years about things that she cared about or pissed her off on American media she finally found her calling. She is a weekly columnist for the Sherbrooke Record and documents history every single day and has over 6500 blogs about Lanark County and Ottawa and an enormous weekly readership. Linda has published six books and is in her 4th year as a town councillor for Carleton Place. She believes in community and promoting business owners because she believes she can, so she does.

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