The Witches of Rochester Street

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The Witches of Rochester Street

 

While much has been added for entertainment purposes the basis of the story is true.

Ladies and Gentlemen..

This tale of wickedness came to me by way of many gossipers from our fair town of Carleton Place, Ontario. If you believe all to be true, it seems to have begun at a local bridge party held by certain ladies of Lake Avenue and spread like wildfire down Campbell Street. With lightening speed it traveled round the corner on Argyle until it came to a grinding halt at the Mississippi Hotel. From there, who knows where it went, but the story got bigger and bigger until it hit the town lines of Perth. After that no one knows where it stopped, and really, no one cared!

One does not know if all that was said about that certain house was true, but my name is not Howard Morton Brown who wrote Founded Upon a Rock, nor is it Mary Cook, legendary storyteller of Lanark County. My name is Linda Seccaspina and I write stories to entertain, so let me entertain you.

There is a house on Rochester Street, just before you hit Franktown Road, that has been sold so many times no one can keep track. The occupants never seem to stay and one family even took the time to gut the house attempting to get rid of something that is bigger than you or I. There have been many documented and undocumented witnesses who have claimed that all is not well in the kitchen of the home on Rochester Street.

Apparently there have been many incidents of cooking pots and frying pans flying out the windows of that home, yet there was never gossip of a disgruntled wife that lived there. But, there were stories, stories of witches, cooking witches, that rivaled anyone on the Food Network. Their culinary talents conceived recipes unheard of like: Bratwurst sausages from Germany- stuffed with real brats, and love potions that made the local men spin in circles. The Witches of Rochester Street became so popular that the hallowed ancestors of Duck Dynasty were summoned to take out these witches–one by one.

The town thought they were finally gone and if you look at the side of the building on Rochester Street you will see one window has been bricked up, the other has a fake painted window facade and the other is guarded by a gun and a cookbook. However, what the town did not realize was one witch had escaped. She quickly took her talents across the border and became a television personality as she was no ordinary housefrau!

She engaged her TV audience with the same charm and abilities as her Carleton Place sisters did many years before her. She could fold a stack of clothes with the wave of her hand, and then fold 100 linen napkins into a perfect stack ready to be put in a clearly labeled drawer. While her arch nemesis from Bewitched Samantha stitched up a dress for her daughter Tabitha, our fair witch would turn a bath towel into a children’s puppet and accomplish household chores during a commercial break.

Our evil lass would frequently go on and on how to design and arrange one’s kitchen to be more attractive and efficient, while the grinning rictus of death, a skull, sat upon her microwave never referenced. She never once has mentioned Carleton Place, instead, pretending this year to be Glinda the Good Witch at Hub Network’s First Annual Halloween party, twirling around in a cloud of pink tulle without once flashing a smile.

So who is this witch you ask? Is she just a figment of tall tales and gossip? One only has to look at the parking lot of our fair Farmer’s Market as she has a left a reminder for us all. There in the parking lot lies a tall metal fork that she impaled just before she left town. Ladies and Gentlemen be afraid–be very afraid– for that is a reminder for us to remember; she might come back. And if she does, our town will run amuck and she will suck the lives out of our children before sunrise.  After all, how can anyone do that much decoupage without calling on the powers of darkness? I give to you our former evil Witch from Rochester Street.

Ladies and Gentlemen!

Martha Stewart!

NB-The pots and pans did fly out of the windows on Rochester Street but we have no idea if Martha was involved.

 

About lindaseccaspina

Linda Knight Seccaspina was born in Cowansville, Quebec about the same time as the wheel was invented and the first time she realized she could tell a tale was when she got caught passing her smutty stories around in Grade 7 at CHS by Mrs. Blinn. When Derek "Wheels" Wheeler from Degrassi Jr. High died in 2010, Linda wrote her own obituary. Some people said she should think about a career in writing obituaries. Before she laid her fingers to a keyboard, Linda owned the eclectic store Flash Cadilac and Savannah Devilles in Ottawa from 1976-1996. After writing for years about things that she cared about or pissed her off she finally found her calling. Is it sex drugs and rock n' roll you might ask? No, it is history. Seeing that her very first boyfriend in Grade 5 (who she won a Twist contest with in the 60s) is the head of the Brome Misissiquoi Historical Society and also specializes in local history back in Quebec, she finds that quite funny. She writes every single day and is also a columnist for Hometown News and Screamin's Mamas. She is a volunteer for the Carleton Place and Beckwith Heritage Museum, an admin for the Lanark County Genealogical Society Facebook page, and a local guest speaker. She has been now labelled an historian by the locals which in her mind is wrong. You see she will never be like the iconic local Lanark County historian Howard Morton Brown, nor like famed local writer Mary Cook. She proudly calls herself The National Enquirer Historical writer of Lanark County, and that she can live with. Linda has been called the most stubborn woman in Lanark County, and has requested her ashes to be distributed in any Casino parking lot as close to any Wheel of Fortune machine as you can get. But since she wrote her obituary, most people assume she's already dead. Linda has published six books, "Menopausal Woman From the Corn," "Cowansville High Misremembered," "Naked Yoga, Twinkies and Celebrities," "Cancer Calls Collect," "The Tilted Kilt-Vintage Whispers of Carleton Place," and "Flashbacks of Little Miss Flash Cadilac." All are available at Amazon in paperback and Kindle. Linda's books are for sale on Amazon or at Wisteria · 62 Bridge Street · Carleton Place, Ottawa, Canada, and at the Carleton Place and Beckwith Heritage Museum · 267 Edmund Street · Carleton Place, Ottawa, Canada--Appleton Museum-Mississippi Textile Mill and Mill Street Books and Heritage House Museum and The Artists Loft in Smith Falls.

4 responses »

    • Jen… It was a joke.. the reason it was on there as it was formerly presented at the Museum as a speech with pictures.. BUT the story is true except for ol Martha.. All tidbits were given to me from the Museum

      Like

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